The Edge

edge of the world

It’s that moment…that moment when suddenly, your feet are no longer on solid ground. You hang in the balance, suspended, and there’s nothing below you. On the edge of a precipice, and nothing to hold onto; that jolting feeling that sends adrenaline through your veins. The moment you realize that just now, in this moment, you don’t belong anywhere. You can’t call anywhere home. You are between places, in the middle, like a floating hot air balloon, and there are not enough anchors or weights to tie you down anywhere. You are free falling. This…this is like cliff diving without knowing there’s a bottom and without knowing whether you’ll be able to get back to the top again. This is heart pounding, hyperventilating, trembling shock. The moment when you realize you don’t know where you are or where you’re going. The moment when you realize you don’t belong anywhere. A chasm below you and a chasm of stars above.

I don’t know if people remember this about their twenties. But just for the record, we have those moments. So if we sometimes seem like oversized teenagers, or if you think we should have it all together and we don’t, or if you’re wondering why we do the things we do and get all emotional and have complete flip outs, and undergo personality changes, this is why. Maybe you were level headed and perfect in your twenties. Maybe you don’t have this happen to you, ever. But no matter how glass-half-full you are, no matter how resilient and strong and fierce and determined and free, this is The Edge. Like the edge of the world. And this whole time there’s been a path, and some stairs, and now suddenly there are no more stairs. There’s just…nothing. It’s hard to be in a place where it’s the beginning and the end and the middle all at once. It’s hard when you’re not a kid and you’re not an adult and you’re kind of nothing, really, except confused and adventurous and sometimes lonely and a little bit scared. (We can admit that, right? That sometimes we’re scared?)

It’s The Edge. And it’s where we are.

Floaty

All my plans have been shot to somewhere distant and cold. I’m not complaining; in fact, I feel strangely floaty. At least this is actual, tangible confirmation that God is very much in control of my life. He’s not letting me do things that aren’t in His will…which is a good thing, because isn’t that what we all pray for all the time? To do His will? And I can’t tell you what I’m doing next year anymore, because I have no clue. I’m now back to the let go and let God stage, where I’m completely open to anything and the world feels exciting again. So in all actuality, this is a very good thing. Interestingly, this was all thrown to oblivion by the med school factor. To do med school, I have to take two extra classes (pre-calculus and chemistry), which means I won’t finish by September, and apparently YWAM starts in September, so I can’t do YWAM at the base I was thinking of. Like I said, my plans are in space right about now, heading to Pluto, the un-planet.

Possibilities for next year:
1) do YWAM at another base
2) work in France
3) work in South Africa
4) work in the USA
5) any combination thereof

Obviously, working in the USA is the most viable option, because I have a green card, and because the dollar is way stronger than the rand. Doing YWAM is still an option, as is working in France and in South Africa. Oh, choices. But I’m not worried; God’s in control.